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Hello to the ether. I was talking to C tonight and she's having a bad month. And in our conversation I realised we share so much-- family of origin issues and bereavement issues--though for different reasons. And how ever far apart we are in distance, one phonecall is all that's needed to bring us together. Love you, C.

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another three things

1. marnielouise. i love that the world is so small! hi to you! kisses to bry and love to my clairey!

2. another beautiful day, even though i had a migraine all day.

3. our beautiful (dog-greyhound) rosie who curled up at my feet all day, because she she knew that i wasn't well

Jan. 20th, 2009

as i promised unwinding three things for which i am grateful.

1. my meeting with ann yesterday. yes i am still doing my phd, but at least i am getting to the finishing point.

2 that we are in a good place and i adore her, foe her beauty and her integrity and her insistence on us working hard at our relationship.

3. that today was a cool day, thank god.

there will more to say because it has been so long since i posted

much love xoxo

May. 13th, 2007

i just finished printing out the poems for the creative component of my phd. NINETY pages of poems. wow. so much work. i'm finishing off my exegesis and hope to submit by the end of june.

i really believe i'm going to get it finished!!

broadband

i have broadband! so can make more of an effort to post regularly... as i tiptoe into december i find myself...happy. it seems strange to say that almost with my breath held, as if being happy is bad luck in some way--an invitation to loss.

sophie (my 17 y-o daughter) went for an interview for a job at a childcare centre today and i pray that she gets it. she has spent most of the past year *actively* not working and getting more and more depressed. so to see her doing something about it is almost unbelievable. and marvellous but in that nerve-wracking way!

so the kids are doing well; mostly. and what else? i adore my girl. my marking is finished, and i can get going on my thesis and poems.

and happiness taps me on the shoulder. and i try to welcome her presence. gulp.
X

i have heard the mermaids singing...

i haven't posted for a long time and the reason is that the story is the same. and i am tired of telling it.

but last night i had a talk with unwinding. and she was saying that even when i lie about being depressed, it is with me, and with anyone who cares for me. she used a great analogy about being overweight (which i also am). she said you can eat well when you're with others, (which i do) but at the end of the day your body will show what's happening.

and i've been very good at trying to "protect" the people i care about, by denying my true mental state. trying to ignore the dog gnawing at my belly.

so i've decided--not to wallow--but to try to reach out when i need help. if you're not hearing from me, that's a good sign that i need you.

and not only will i be more honest, but maybe i won't feel so alone, as i do sometimes.

follow the yellow brick road...

on the advice of my doctor, and assorted people who love me, i am being admitted to a private psych clinic tomorrow, to be in a safe environment where my anxiety, depression, etc. can be assessed and my medication sorted out.

it's a voluntary admission, and i shouldn't be in there for more than 2 or 3 days. 

my life has been damaged by the keeping of bad secrets, and i think it's time for all that to stop.

depression is a dark and slippery fucker, and i've been fighting him a long, long time.  the last few weeks have been truly awful, and i can't go on like this any longer. getting proper help is the best thing i can do for everyone in my life--including myself.

so, if you feel so inclined, keep me in your thoughts/prayers... i really care about so many people here. and often, even if you're not aware of it (cos i don't say so) you make me feel better.

*hopes to climb back up that spiral soon*...

peace and love to you all

and, most importantly:

all my love to unwinding, who is my certainty and centredness when i feel i have neither.  it will be better soon, my baby. i promise. 

time to...

looking over my rather static flist, (and emphasising that the stasis resides with me not doing much lately, in terms of friending, etc) and wanting to add a bit of something new to the mix:

who(m) should i friend, and why?

have at it, folks...

weirdest fic ever...

i had a flash of inspiration last night: a crossover au big brother/oz fic...

beecher and keller in the house with all the cameras...

i'm betting there'd be sex on tv. and a shanking, or two. ha.

why oh why does it seem like such a good idea? mandysbitch, i'm blaming you for this.